Into Madness
by curiosity-killed-the-cat-58
Summary: It all began, as most thrilling adventures do, with sake. And inevitably, with sake comes a very drunk Rangiku. Rukia Kuchiki is forced down into Wonderland by – yup, you guessed it – Rangiku herself, and is now being told she has to kill a Jabberwocky, who just so happens to be the 6th Espada. How will she react? Will she be able to defeat Grimmjow? And why is Ulquiorra there?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach, or any of the characters in this story

**A/N:** I know that there are a lot of Wonderland/Bleach fanfics out there, but I thought it would be fun to have a go myself :) Enjoy!

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Chapter 1: Some people say falling is like flying. I tell them to try it for themselves

Rukia Kuchiki was fitfully sleeping in her room within her brother's private home, under the impression that she was safe within these walls, and that no one would come barging in completely drunk. She was of course, completely wrong.

"Aaaaaaaaaah!" Rangiku came charging into Rukia's bedroom, arms splayed out behind her. She stopped, saw Rukia, and screamed again.

"Rangiku!" Rukia yelled in surprise.

"RUKIA!" Rangiku yelled back, determined not to lose the 'who could shout loudest' contest that she'd just invented. Suddenly, her frown turned into a giggle. "Teehee, 'Rukia'. That's such a funny name. Ru-ki-a…"

"…"

"Hey, but _my_ name's funny too! It sounds like 'Orangutan'…O-Rangiku-tan!" She gasped. "You know, I sometimes feel like I have an inner monkey! Oh, that explains why I like bananas so much! …Life seems so much clearer now…"

"Rangiku, stop talking, you're going to regret this tomorrow morning." Rukia warned. "And can you _please_ stop combing through my hair like that! You are not a monkey!"

"I know I'm not! I'm an _Orangutan_. There's a difference."

"…Okay. Hey, Rangiku, a thought occurs: why are you here and not in your own barracks? I'm pretty sure you have a _lot_ of paperwork to finish."

"I'm *hic* I'm glad you asked that, Rukia. You see, paperwork is a complex thing that requires a lot of thought." She raised a finger in the air. "So I thought: who likes thinking? Then the answer came to me – Captain Hitsugaya! I've never known anyone who thinks as much as he thinks, and you know what? Once he's done thinking he thinks MORE. And so, since paperwork needs thought, I decided the Captain would be able to think enough for the both of us!"

"For someone who doesn't like thinking, you certainly thought a lot about all that!"

"_But_, if I didn't think about that then who would, huh? NO-ONE. Exactly. So the Captain needs me to think about these things while he thinks about paperwork, and then between us all thoughts will have been thought! More importantly, the paperwork that requires thinking will be gone so the thoughts that needed to be thought no longer need to be thunk of – and *hic* voila! Mission accomplished!" Rangiku said proudly.

Rukia shook her head. _Poor Captain Hitsugaya. _"Rangiku, a further thought occurs. How did you get in here?!"

"Another great question! You see, I knew the Captain would eventually come looking for me, so I needed a place to hide. So where's the last place in the Seireitei that Captain Hitsugaya would look for me?" She spread her arms wide. "Byakuya Kuchiki's private home! After that, it was a simple matter of sneaking past the guards, infiltrating my way through several rooms, one of which belonged to the aforementioned Kuchiki, until I finally got here!"

By this point, Rukia had a lot to think about. _Why is this happening to me? Is it fate? How did Rangiku get past all the security?_ And, the most pressing one of all, _Why is Rangiku coming towards me with a brown bag in her hand?_

* * *

Rukia finally managed to wrestle the bag off her head. She sat up, only to find that she was on the roof of Captain Hitsugaya's office. And stranger still – Rangiku was nowhere to be seen. She stretched her arms and crawled to the edge of the roof. _What am I doing here?_

"Oh dear, I'm late!"

She spun around to find the source of the tiny voice. On the other side of the roof, a small white rabbit crouched, holding a pocket watch.

"I have to get back quickly, else Queen Hiyori's going to have my head on a spike…" The rabbit muttered nervously to himself.

Strangely, the rabbit looked familiar, but Rukia just couldn't place how. _Wait a minute? Is that…Hanatoro? It is!_

"Hanatoro! It's me, Rukia! Have you seen Rangiku late-"

Hanatoro the rabbit looked at her, startled, then bolted.

"Hey, wait!" Rukia ran after him, not bothering to stop and question why Hinatoro was a rabbit, or why he was a rabbit that could _talk_. It's safe to assume that her love of rabbits clouded her better judgement at this point.

The Hanatoro-rabbit ran to the edge of the roof and jumped off without hesitation. Rukia yelped and tried to stop before she fell too, but she slid on the loose tiles of the roof, dropping straight off the building. She screamed as she plummeted towards the ground.

Just as she was about to become a Rukia-sized pancake, the ground erupted into a gaping hole, sucking her deep under the Seiretei.

* * *

She found herself in a large round room with doors of different shapes and sizes surrounding her. And, contrary to the belief that doors should generally be attached to something, preferably a wall, these doors were just scattered around the floor, completely _unattached_ to anything, wall or otherwise. Rukia decided that once she found someone in this strange place, she would have to introduce them to an architect.

She got up and stretched her back, furiously condemning the absence of stairs. If someone planned on dropping her into a large hole in the ground, the courteous thing to do would be to at least build a set of stairs leading back _out_ of said hole, because maybe she _didn't_ want to be there in the first place.

As she surveyed her surroundings, she absently considered whether she was being punished for her love of bunnies, and if so she promised she would never ever chase another bunny down a strange hole again. After thoroughly convincing herself of the fact that she was _not_ obsessed, and could get rid of her bunny collection any time she wanted, she looked up at the ceiling hoping to be sucked back up into the Seireitei. Nothing happened.

So maybe this was a dream?

She shook her head. It couldn't be a dream because on her way down, she saw a jar of pickles, and who in their right mind would dream of pickles? And, she assured herself, she _was_ sane, no matter what Ichigo thought. So this definitely _wasn't _a dream. Unless of course this was a nightmare, then the pickles would make sense.

But anyway, pickle-related conspiracies aside, there were more pressing issues to deal with. Like the bottle in front of her filled with a clear liquid, labelled 'Drink Me'. Next to it lay a tiny silver key.

Rukia immediately decided that she was certainly _not_ going to drink said liquid – she'd had enough Orihime-related incidents to be wary of what she drank. Instead, she picked up the key, and saw that the only door it would fit in was a tiny one beneath the table that held the bottle.

Suddenly, the Hinatoro-rabbit burst out of nowhere and rushed to said door. He saw her and squealed in surprise.

"What are _you_ doing here?!" He looked at his pocket watch again. "Never mind that! I'm still late!" He opened the tiny door and ran through, slamming it behind him.

Rukia shook her head to clear it of bunny-filled thoughts. _Not_ obsessed, she told herself firmly. She crouched down in front of the door and used the key to open it. She peered through. _Great_, she thought. _I'm trapped in a Shinigami's worst nightmare._

Before her was a view of massive leaves and trees, cut through the middle by a pathway. The place made less sense by the minute. And, to make matters worse, there were no bunnies around. Or people to fight. Or sake. Which, in a nutshell, was what all Soul Reapers loved.

She closed the door and shuddered. She was most definitely not looking forward to going in there.

As she was contemplating how to get through, something caught her eye. It was a tiny cake, labelled 'Eat Me'. Without hesitating, she squashed it under her thumb. There was _no way_ she was going to listen to a piece of paper.

She resumed thinking about the door:

Rukia + Tiny Door + Kido = Explosion + Possible Pain and Suffering + Entrance (yay!)

Seeing no problems with that plan – and casually overlooking the 'possible pain and suffering' part – Rukia then proceeded to use her Kido.

"Hadō 33, SOKATSUI!" She yelled.

The wall erupted in a cloud of smoke and rubble. When it cleared, Rukia stepped through triumphantly. _You know, maybe the 11th Squad has a point; when in doubt, blow stuff up!_

She walked down the path, realising that things weren't as huge as she had first perceived. In fact, _she_ was the huge one. _If only things were a little bigger here,_ she thought wistfully. As she did, everything around her seemed to grow, and she grinned.

_If only money would rain from the sky!_ She looked up hopefully. Unfortunately, nothing fell from the sky, money or otherwise. _The Universe hates me_…

The trees kept growing until they were at their normal size again. Rukia breathed a sigh of relief. _Okay, you can stop now_, she thought. But everything kept growing until the bushes were twice her height. _Wait, I'm shrinking! _She finally realised.

The unfairness of the situation finally hit her. She'd always been short, but this was pushing it! She'd come to a strange world underground where the sun still shone, bunnies had pocket watches, and pickles fell from the sky, but she couldn't even _grow_ a few inches? Was that too much to ask?

"You cheated."

Rukia spun around to find the source of the resentful voice. A very fat caterpillar sat on a very fat leaf in front of her, sporting a very Uryu-ish expression.

Now, Rukia had been through a lot. She'd been kidnapped and abandoned by Rangiku, shoved down a very long hole after chasing a rabbit she didn't even get to keep, shrunk, and finally accused by a caterpillar. Understandably, there were a lot of questions racing through her mind right now, like 'why am I here?', 'how are you talking?', and most importantly, 'where did the bunny go?'

But instead of asking said questions, she said the first thing that came to mind:

"Huh?"

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**A/N:** Please review and let me know what you think! I'll be posting new chapters every week (hopefully..)

And thank you to the Guest user that corrected my mistake, I really appreciate it :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Bleach, or any of the characters in this story

**A/N:** It did take a little longer than I thought to post this, but I hope it was worth the wait! :)

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Chapter 2: Twins. You think you can handle them, until you meet them

"You heard me. You cheated."

Now, being accused by a caterpillar – and an Uryu look-alike at that – was still a strange experience for Rukia. And in the lengthy silence that followed, the novelty didn't wear off. You see, this was a _caterpillar_. She didn't like caterpillars. Actually, it wasn't as much of a _dislike_, it was more of a _loath_.

She could already tell that the encounter wasn't going to go well.

"How?" She managed to say.

"You blew a hole in the wall. If you were the _real_ Alice, you would have found a way to go _through_ the door, but instead you used the most inelegant way possible.

At that moment, something stirred within Rukia. A deep, dark feeling that had enough of being repressed. A feeling that she only felt in the direst of situations. And she was pretty sure that this counted as a dire situation. For, as she looked at the Uryu-caterpillars smug, fat face, all the anger she harboured within her suddenly exploded.

"How is that _cheating_? I used my initiative! And anyway, I wasn't made aware of any rules to this stupid game you're playing! No, because I was just innocently walking along, minding my own business, when I suddenly fell into this _death-trap_! If that's all it takes to be brought here then I weep for mankind! Weep!

"You think I wanted to come here? NO! I'll have you know, Uryu, this place isn't exactly the Wonderland you all seem to think it is! Plus, my bum still hurts! For that, I am willing to sue; I assure you that is a certainty."

The caterpillar just gave her a long, fat look, puffing on his pipe as he did so. "You talk too much."

"I _talk too much_?! Is that all you have to say for yourself? If that's your only defence, then I pity you. I have the best lawyers in the Seireitei to back me up and they will eat you for breakfast. You think I'm joking? You haven't seen what Captain Kyoraku would do when sake's at stake!"

Uryu made a show of losing interest, namely by pulling out a black notebook. He read aloud as he wrote. "The girl seems to suffer from episodes of sub-psychotic rage. Also, she seems to be under the false impression that she can beat me in a court case." He blew a puff of smoke in her face and shook his head regretfully before adding, "It's sad, really."

Rukia clenched her fists. "Do you even know who you're talking to? I am Rukia Kuchiki, sister to the great Byakuya Kuchiki, part of the four great clans of the Soul Society!"

Uryu continued to write. "Believes something like the Soul Society exists. Pitiful. The very idea of death gods running around putting souls to rest is laughable. Furthermore, she seems to have some sort of inferiority complex, which is why she feels the need to associate herself with someone as high-class as Byakuya Kuchiki. Probably caused by a bad relationship with her parents."

"How dare you! I have no 'inferiority comple- …Hey wait, did you just acknowledge Byakuya's existence?"

Uryu hesitated, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water. If caterpillars could sweat, Rukia would swear he would.

"You did!" When he still didn't reply, she repeated it firmly. "You did."

He laughed nervously and glanced up at the sky as if it was going to crush him. "I don't know what you're talking about! This 'Byakuya Kuchiki' is obviously a figment of your imagination."

"But…"

He turned to his book again. "She's also delusional, hearing things that weren't said."

"When did this become a psychological evaluation anyway? Are you even qualified for this? Damn it, _why won't you answer any of my questions?!_"

"Lacks self-control. And, if that wasn't enough, she seems to be hallucinating – seeing this 'Uryu' person in my place."

That last comment brought her to a stop. "That's it! I must be hallucinating! How else would all of this be possible? I bet I'm back in my bed right now, with Rangiku next to me still babbling."

"Talking to herself: possible symptoms of split-personality disorder..."

"She must have accidentally knocked me out or killed me or something. Hey, wait. Am I dead? Is this what death is like?" Rukia continued, ignoring the Uryu-caterpillars assessment of her mental state.

"The girl could also believe she's some sort of star in an anime. That would explain why she feels the need to voice her thoughts out loud."

"Right then. That's it. I'm dead. No question."

"Overall, this 'Rukia' has created a whole other world in her mind that cannot exist."

"Wait…but I'm a Soul Reaper…aren't I? Then I was _already dead!_" She laughed as if she'd just figured out the answer to life, the Universe and everything.

"She also seems to be under the impression that she's _dead_, bringing light to her obvious madness."

"Aha! Eureka! ...Hey, wait, if I'm already dead, how can I be dead AGAIN?"

"Showing signs of Schizophrenia. The damage caused by her fall may be more severe than originally perceived."

"Good question, me! Let's see, if I was a Soul Reaper, then I'd obviously be already dead, _but,_ since it's possible for Soul Reapers to die, I must have been killed again! So, we screwed up badly. Unfortunately we died twice."

"To wrap it up, the girl is mentally unstable and utterly incompetent. Battling against the Jabberwocky is completely inadvisable in her current condition."

By this point, Rukia had convinced herself that she had reached a new level of enlightenment – namely by believing she was dead. Again. Unfortunately, the Uryu look-alike was still there, still fat, still ignoring her, and, most annoyingly, still _talking._

"Will you SHUT UP already? I am not mentally unstable!"

Uryu did nothing but raise an eyebrow sceptically. "In any case, you cannot be Alice."

"_What?_ Who says I can't be Alice? Who's Alice?"

"You know, the more you talk like that, the more you prove me right."

Rukia balled her fists. "Uryu is your friend. You don't kill friends, Rukia. No matter how _infuriating_ they may be…" She muttered to herself.

"However, now that you're here, I suppose it couldn't do any harm to send you to the Cat. Though with your stupidity it's unlikely you'll be able to find her.

"That does it, Uryu! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

He crawled backwards, creating a safe distance between them.

Just as she was about to blast him with her kido, a thought stopped her. _Hey, wait…if this 'Cat' happens to be the same cat from the Soul Society, it might just be my ticket out of here…_ She contemplated for a moment.

Yoroichi + Rukia = Possible Exit and/or Possible Cat Transformation

But…

Yoroichi = Soi Fon

Yoroichi + Rukia (+ or – Soi Fon) = Less Likely Exit and/or Definite Cat Transformation

In a nutshell, if Soi Fon was there – and it was highly likely that she would be if Yoroichi was said Cat – Rukia wasn't entirely sure it would work in her favour. Still, it was worth a try.

And if it got her away from Uryu, then there were no downsides to the plan.

"On second thought, I'll consider not killing you if you tell me where to find this Cat." She pronounced grandly.

Uryu rolled his eyes – which she had to admit was pretty impressive considering he was a caterpillar – and pointed down the path. "Follow the path until it branches off into two. There you'll meet the twins. Do _not_ do anything they say, and if you're lucky you just might find the Cheshire Cat."

"Might? That doesn't sound very reassuring."

"You certainly have a lot to say, don't you?" The Uryu-caterpillar grumbled, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

Rukia glared at him, and ran in the direction he told her to.

* * *

So all in all, her first proper encounter with a living being in this strange place was a complete and utter disaster. Though she blamed Uryu for it all. The whole experience had just made her remember just how much she hated caterpillars. Those furry little know-it-alls needed to be destroyed, and fast.

Then she realised that she'd sounded _exactly_ like Ikkaku. Destroying an entire species to settle a grudge was something only Ikkaku would be brash enough to try. Or Yumichika. Or Captain Zaraki. Basically, anyone within the 11th Division. _And_, she thought, _I really, really don't want to end up like them._

After all, she wasn't willing to give up her life in a fight to the death for the tiniest of insults.

Those idiots were lucky to still be alive.

Suddenly, she noticed something. She was her normal height again! That damn Uryu must have changed her back when she was leaving.

Why shrink someone to talk to them when you _didn't actually want to_ in the first place? More importantly, why shrink someone who didn't want to be shrunk? Rukia shook her head. If all caterpillars were like Uryu in this world, they were on the precipice of facing extinction.

Because if _anyone_ else tried to do that again, she'd kill them.

She continued walking, angry thoughts still buzzing in her head.

"Look Dum, it's a girl!" Rukia whirled around to find the source of the tiny voice.

"I wonder where she came from, Dee?" Another voice whispered back.

"I don't know. You think she's lost?"

"You do realise that I can hear you, right?" Rukia said irritably.

The voices suddenly stopped.

"She can hear us!" The first voice spoke up again frantically. "What do we do, Dum?"

"Let's think about this logically…RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

The voice was becoming more and more distant, and she realised that they had in fact started running, true to their word. Without thinking, she followed the sounds. Before long, the path split in two. Rukia stopped, unsure of where to go. As she was thinking, two small figures emerged from the shrubbery, one on each path.

"You lost?" One asked.

"Slightly." Rukia replied honestly, wondering why the figures' voices sounded so familiar.

"You hear that, Dum? She doesn't know which way to go!"

"Well then, we should help her, don't you think, Dee?" Rukia could hear the grin in her voice.

_Where do I know these two from?_ Then she realised. "Aren't you…Yachiru?" She asked Dum. "And you're Nel!" She said more confidently to Dee.

I think we should take a moment here to appreciate the phrase 'my life flashed before my eyes.' Because what happened next was a bit of a blur to Rukia. One minute, she was perfectly safe and standing, and the next Yachiru had clamped down on her head like a leech. In that moment, she had mentally said goodbye to all her loved ones and cursed herself for not living her life to the fullest (mainly by buying that 12 foot tall bunny she'd admired for so long). Through her peripheral vision, she could see Nel charging her headfirst, and she braced herself for the impact.

She would have really, really liked to say that it worked.

But it didn't.

"Oof!" She said eloquently, as she was knocked to the ground.

"Did you hear that Dee?" Nel said incredulously.

"I did hear that! How rude!" Yachiru replied in mock horror.

"You shouldn't judge people by their appearances, lady!" Nel said.

Before Rukia could object, they both stood up and brushed themselves off. "I'm Tweedle-Dum." Yachiru said.

"And I'm Tweedle-Dee!" Nel announced cheerfully. She jumped up onto Yachiru's shoulders.

"At your service!" They said in unison, and bowed. Unfortunately, Yachiru bowed too early, and Nel slipped off and landed on the ground with a yelp. Well, not on the _ground_ per se, more like on someone who just happened to be lying on the ground. And said person was _not_ pleased with this invasion of her privacy. To cut a short story shorter, Nel had landed on Rukia's face and was showing no signs of wanting to get off.

Yachiru clamped her hands over her mouth. "I'm so sorry Dee! Are you okay?"

Nel gave her a thumbs up. "Yup! I landed on something soft!" She patted Rukia's stomach cheerfully.

Yachiru giggled.

"Mmmf!" Rukia said from beneath Nel.

Nel frowned. "Hey, Dum, you hear something?"

"Nope, nothing!"

"Ok!" Nel paused. "Dum?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Depends on the question. If it's a long question, then no. Also, if it's a short question. Basically, just no."

"So…that's a no?"

"Yes."

Nel, upon hearing the word 'yes', decided to go ahead and ask her question. "If I, hypothetically, fell on someone during our routine, maybe on their head, you would tell me, right?"

"Of course I would! Why wouldn't I?"

Nel grinned back and sprung up happily, trampling Rukia in the process.

Now looks can be deceiving. Nel was a tiny thing, small in both size and weight. But she was _heavy_. And when someone as heavy as Nel steps on your stomach, it _hurts_. A lot.

Rukia was a member of the 13th Squad. Seeing as their Captain had two children as Zanpakuto, many of the Division members were exposed to the antics of the twins during the Zanpakuto rebellion. Eventually, they were de-sensitised to the pure evil that were the twins. However, Rukia was _not_ present for that period of time, having been given the task of hunting down the sword-beasts. So she was not used to kids. And it's safe to say she got a little bit mad.

"What the hell was that?! You could have suffocated me!" She yelled.

Both twins gaped in unison.

"She said a bad word!" Yachiru said in shock.

"We'll have to wash her mouth out with soap!"

And thus, Rukia found herself being chased around Wonderland by twins brandishing bars of soap. And, make no mistake, soap is a deadly weapon in the wrong hands.

After a thorough scrubbing, Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee resumed their places at the openings of the two paths.

"So?" Nel said.

"So what?" Rukia asked somewhat cautiously.

"Which way do you want to go?"

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**A/N: **Reviews are always welcome! (hint hint) The next chapter will have lots of randomness with the Cheshire Cat, and the Mad Hatter will be introduced soon! I'll try to post sooner this time :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach, or any of the characters in this story

**A/N:** Apologies for the delay, a series of unfortunate events involving a laptop fizzling out and me having to re-write everything prevented me from posting anything.

On a more cheerful note, a big thank you to my only reviewer (who is nameless so I'll just stick with 'Guest'). Reading your reviews has made me continue posting this, so thanks!

* * *

Chapter 3: Subtlety – a trait many people take for granted

"Which way do you want to go?" Yachiru repeated.

"Well, I guess that right seems like a good optio-"

Dum sprang forward and pointed an accusatory finger at Rukia. "You! You've been talking with Dee haven't you? I knew you were conspiring against me!"

Rukia gaped, completely bewildered.

"Dee wasn't conspiring against you! Dee would never do that! The girl obviously realised that right was the better option!"

"Did she, Dee? Did she? Or did you just _hypnotise _her?"

"No! Dee didn't hypnotise the girl, Dee doesn't even know the girl!"

"Ah, but if that's true, then why did she choose right?" Yachiru turned to her. "Why did you?"

"…I picked a random one."

"A likely story. Are you absolutely sure you're not conspiring against me?"

"You know what, I change my answer. I'll go left."

"Left? You picked LEFT?!" Nel sprang up, waving her arms angrily.

"Yes she did! Why wouldn't she?"

"Because right is the best way to go! If she goes left, what will she find, huh? A few nasty old caterpillars and a duck!"

"But the duck makes it all worthwhile! Don't bully Steve!"

Nel turned to Rukia. "You should go right."

"No! Go left!"

Frantically, Rukia thought back to what Uryu had told her. _"Follow the path until it branches off into two. There you'll meet the twins. Do not do anything they say, and if you're lucky you just might find the Cheshire Cat."_

She growled in annoyance. Don't do anything they say? Stupid caterpillar. If she didn't do what they said, she'd end up going back the way she came! _Never trust a caterpillar._

"You know what, I don't think I want to go left. I mean, what's so special about Steve anyway?" Yachiru gasped. "But, on the other hand, if I go right there'll be _no_ duck. Is it really worth it?"

"Of course it is! Dee says the duck is rubbish!" Nel practically yelled.

"_What did you say?_"

"You heard me! Steve. Is. _Rubbish_!"

As they turned on each other, Rukia slipped away. She ended up going right after all, still silently cursing Uryu's uselessness. Before long, she reached the end of the road and saw that it joined up with the path that Yachiru wanted her to go down. They both lead to the same place. She shook her head in exasperation. _These people are mad. Hopelessly, incurably, mad._

"Well, well, it looks like you've finally arrived."

Rukia flinched, and looked up towards the voice. She wasn't quite sure what to expect, but the least she expected was that said voice would have a head, preferably attached to a neck, which in turn was preferably attached to a body. You see, she was quite convinced that she was dead, but she was quite, quite sure that even in her worst state the people she imagined would have bodies.

She could not have been more wrong.

For, floating above her, was a grin. And above that grin was a nose. And above that nose were two eyes, subsequently followed by two pointy ears. But, contrary to everything biologists believed to be true, there was nothing else. In place of the head, there was nothing. In place of the body, there was nothing. In place of the tail – well you get the idea. And, these features were casually floating a couple of inches above a tree branch. _Floating_. In short, this feline character was a specimen beyond even Captain Kurotsuchi's wildest dreams.

Rukia gave a short, slightly hysterical laugh. _Now_, she thought,_ now I've seen everything._

Unfortunately, she was still very, very mistaken.

The tree that the Yoruichi-cat was floating on stretched, groaned – and opened its eyes. "I think she's in shock, my lady."

"You think so? How strange."

"Strange? You make it sound like all this is _normal_. Tell me something Yoruichi, is any of this seem _normal_ to you?"

"How dare you address the Cheshire Cat in that disgraceful manner? I'LL KILL YOU-"

"Now, now, Soi Fon. Is that how we treat our guests?" The so-called 'Cat' said chidingly.

The tree sulked.

"Yoruichi, can you _please_ get me out of here?" Rukia gave up all remaining dignity and begged.

"Sorry, no can do! In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a little handicapped at the moment. No hands, see? Anyway, you have a job to do here."

"A job? What job?"

"Oh, nothing major, don't worry." The cat said, a little too breezily. "You know what you should do? Visit the Mad Hatter. He'll know how to get you back."

"I'm not sure I want to meet someone who allows themselves to be called the 'Mad Hatter', thanks."

"Wise decision. But I'm afraid it's your only choice if you want to lose those stalkers of yours."

Rukia immediately drew her zanpakuto, ready to defend against an attack. But, instead of hearing the sounds of people charging, she heard hushed voices.

"D'you think that's our cue to attack?"

"I don't know. Are we sure they know we're here? They could be bluffing."

"Maybe. What do you say?"

"I say you're both idiots."

"Hey, who're you calling an idiot pineapple-head?"

"You, baldy!"

"I'm not _bald_, my hair's SHAVED!"

"Ha, do you really think anyone believes that?"

"Both of you, shut up. Face it, the two of you are just playing for second best."

"Why you…"

Scuffling sounds emerged from the shrubbery, and a few seconds later Yumichika Ayasegawa came flying through the air above Rukia's head. He crashed into the Soi Fon tree and fell in a graceful heap on the floor.

"Crap, I think we just blew our cover."

"_Really_? What was your first clue?"

"Well, it was you who threw him in the first place!"

"Only because _you_ told me to!"

"Irrelevant."

There was a pause. "I think we should charge now."

"Finally!"

Two figures charged out of the bushes, waving their zanpakuto over their heads and yelling. And, like everything else in this place, they didn't look like your average person. They had human heads – heads that looked suspiciously like Renji and Ikkaku – but in place of bodies were red playing cards, stubby feet poking out from the bottom.

"I hereby arrest you in the name of Queen Hiyori Sarugaki, Rightful Ruler of Wonderland!" They said in unison.

"No, _I'm_ going to arrest her!" They said again.

"You did it the last time!" Renji protested.

"No I didn't, you did!"

"No, it was you! You arrested that duck for malicious lingering!"

Ikkaku paused. "Fine!"

Renji grinned triumphantly and turned to Rukia. "You are under arrest! Come quietly and we-"

"Hey Renji! I was wondering when I was going to run into you!" Rukia interrupted cheerfully.

"Wha? Why aren't you scared? You're supposed to be screaming and begging for mercy!" His body became a barely visible line as he turned to Ikkaku. "Why isn't she begging for mercy?"

"Can I ask you a question? What's with the funky outfits?"

"Yes, they are rather funky aren't they?" Yumichika had woken up by this point and he strolled over as if nothing had happened. "I designed them myself, you know."

_Ah. That explains everything._

"Well guys, it's been fun and all, but I really have to get going." Rukia said, and she backed away slowly – right up until she felt the point of a zanpakuto digging into her back.

"You're still under arrest." Yumichika pointed out.

"Hey! We agreed it was my turn to arrest her!"

"No, _you_ agreed after you sucker punched me in the face!"

"You know what, since the two of you can't decide, _I'll_ do the arresting." Ikkaku stepped in, trying to look heroic.

"YOU DID IT THE LAST TIME!" Renji and Yumichika yelled.

Fortunately, Yumichika had let his guard down while arguing and Rukia took this opportunity to stealthily get away.

"Hmpf, you call _that_ a stealthy getaway? You may as well have yelled 'I'm running away!'" Soi Fon said, very unsubtly.

The heads of all three playing cards snapped up, immediately alert.

"Huh? Who's running away?" Renji asked.

"She is! After her!" Ikkaku ordered.

Once again throwing away all remaining dignity, Rukia sprinted through the trees, squealing in a very lady-like manner as she did so.

She ran until she was absolutely sure she had lost her pursuers, then stopped to catch her breath. A sudden cackling in front of her made her look up in surprise, and she had just enough time to duck as a teacup sailed over her head.

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**A/N:** Please review! The next chapter has the Mad Hatter in it, which of course means that the March Hare and Dormouse come in too :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Bleach, or any of the characters in this story

**A/N:** Warning: I wrote this on a massive sugar high, so I apologise for any strangeness... :)

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Chapter 4: Cakes, Cookies and a Psychopath

"Okay, WHO THREW THAT?" Rukia demanded.

"He went that way!" A cheeky voice replied.

Rukia bit back a retort. _I know that voice…_ "Urahara?" She asked hesitantly.

She took a step into the clearing. In the centre was a table, laden with tea, biscuits and a variety of other snacks. Around the table were several chairs, only three of which were occupied. On the left side of the table lay a sleeping dormouse, who appeared to be subconsciously flicking bits of sausage roll across the table at an irritated-looking hare. At the head of the table sat Urahara – who was undoubtedly the 'Mad Hatter' Yoruichi mentioned earlier – dressed in patchy clothes with his usual green and white striped hat on his head.

Urahara ignored her question. "Come on, take a seat! Have some tea, there's plenty to go around!"

Rukia sat down hesitantly. Urahara calmly poured a cup of tea for her – then threw it across the table. Once again, Rukia found herself having to duck down to avoid a projectile teacup.

"Why do you keep doing that? Are you _insane_?" She shouted.

"As a matter of fact, yes."

Suddenly the Dormouse sat up in her seat. "I'm awake! I'm awake Cap'n, no need to worry!"

_Rangiku?_ There could be no mistaking the blatant drunkenness of the 10th Division Lieutenant.

She looked down at herself in confusion. "Oh…I must have been dreaming."

"WILL YOU STOP THROWING SAUSAGES AT ME!" The Hare roared.

_Ah, yes._ Who else would the Hare be, but Captain Hitsugaya? It seems that even in a dream he can't get away from Rangiku. _Poor, poor Captain,_ she thought, not for the first time.

"Well _someone's_ in a bad mood today!" Rangiku said cheerfully.

Hitsugaya sat in a fuming silence. Rukia reached out and poured herself a cup of tea, and as she picked the cup off the saucer, all the tea splashed out from the bottom. She stared at it, dumbfounded. _Who in their right mind would create a cup with no bottom?_

A collective gasp came from the other three occupants of the table.

"_Witchcraft!_" Urahara hissed.

"What? No! The cup's just broke-" She cut off and gave a hysterical laugh. The cup was perfectly normal, with a very solid base. "It _was_ broken!"

"Cups don't just re-build themselves, silly," said Urahara patronisingly.

Rangiku sprang up with her finger in the air. "Perform the cleansing ritual!" She declared.

Hitsugaya reached forward, eyes glinting with an uncharacteristic madness, and dumped the contents of his teacup over her head. He clasped his hands together. "The ritual has been performed."

"What the hell was that, you bastard?!" She spluttered.

Urahara raised a finger to his lips. "Sssh! Not in front of the children!" He gestured to a plate of little gingerbread men beside him.

Rukia gaped. _How do you reply to something like that?_

"Urahara, can you get me out of here?"

He gave a high-pitched giggle. "Tell me, Rukia. Why is a raven like a writing-desk?"

"Um…"

"In the same way that THIS PENCIL is like the Jabberwocky!" He held up a kitten.

"Huh?"

"Indeed." He said solemnly. "I see you are getting the hang of things."

"Do you even know what you're saying?"

He nodded enthusiastically. "I haven't the slightest idea!"

"Ah. So what is this 'Jabberwocky'?"

"'Beware the Jabberwock, my son – er, daughter! The jaws that bite, the claws that snatch' – Hey, do you want to buy my hat?"

"How is that related in any way?"

"What were we talking about again?"

"The Jabberwocky!"

"You want to talk more about my hat, I hear you say? Happy to oblige! You know, this is no normal hat? No, it may look like a normal hat, it may feel like a normal hat, it may even _act_ like a normal hat, but trust me, it – CHANGE PLACES!" Urahara suddenly yelled, and instantly the table was a buzz of activity.

Animals ran around yelling at the tops of their voices, Urahara climbed on top of the table and skipped up and down, food flew everywhere – yes, teacups too – and Yachiru (who had suddenly appeared somehow) was sent catapulting into the forest.

The food finally cleared, and everyone had moved. Urahara was now sitting in the middle of the table, with a couple of gingerbread 'children' on his hat. The others had, sadly, not survived. Hitsugaya was at the head of the table, and Rangiku, being Rangiku, had curled under an upturned chair and fallen asleep again.

She was suddenly very aware that both the Hare and Mad Hatter were frowning at her.

"You didn't change places." Urahara growled.

"He very specifically said to _change places_." Hitsugaya said firmly.

Rukia got up nervously and moved to sit in the seat next to her.

"_Not there!_" Hitsugaya hissed. "You'll crush Steve!"

Sure enough, in the seat was a tiny rubber duck. "Weren't you meant to be back with Yachiru?"

"He almost got arrested by the Red Queen's soldiers and now he's in hiding." Urahara explained helpfully. "On a completely different note, Rukia, I asked before but I didn't really get an answer from you. Where are we with buying my hat?"

"For the last time, I do not want to buy your hat!"

"Great! So…shall we say around 1000 yen?"

She made a gargled sound at the back of her throat. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Of course I am! Are you going to pay in cash or with a card?"

She grabbed a side of the hat and tried to tug it out of his grip, with little success. "I. Don't. Want. Your. Hat!"

"It's too late. If you let go now you'll be shocked to death."

"I'm willing to risk it."

He looked at her with tearful eyes – and let go of the hat. She held it, suddenly unsure of what to do next.

A gasp rose from the table.

"You…you took his hat!" Hitsugaya said incredulously.

"She took his hat!" Rangiku repeated.

Urahara just gaped at her.

Suddenly, everything went dark. A spotlight broke through the darkness and shone down on her chair. Two other spotlights shone down on an empty platform in front of her, and a row of chairs to her right. Hitsugaya and Rangiku sat on said chairs, holding notepads and looking down on her with righteous condemnation.

Somewhere in the darkness a door slammed, and heavy footsteps announced the arrival of Urahara. He stepped up to the raised platform and took a seat. He was wearing a white judge's wig under his hat, and frankly, he looked ridiculous. He picked up a gavel and banged it on the desk.

"Order! Order in the court!" The so-called 'courtroom' immediately silenced. "We are here today for the trial of Rukia Kuchiki, accused of malicious hat-thieving, and witchcraft! Any questions before we begin?"

"Yeah, I have one. Are the ropes really necessary?" Rukia asked, struggling against the bonds that held her tightly in her chair.

"I'll be asking the questions here. Where were you on the night of September 27th?"

"That's tonight, you idiot! You know where I am!"

"Answer the question!"

She sighed heavily. "I was at your stupid tea party."

"A likely story."

"Wha? How can you not believe me? You assaulted me with a teacup!"

"Don't try to turn this around!"

"…"

"Uh…Erm…" Urahara seemed unsure of how to continue.

"Ask her why she's here!" Rangiku called from the jury box.

"Yeah, why _are_ you here?"

"Seriously? I don't know. I don't even know where _here_ is."

"Oh, you poor, lost girl. How could we ever think you were evil?" Rangiku looked towards her with tears in her eyes.

"Pull yourself together!" Hitsugaya whacked her on the head, and she squealed in pain.

"Rukia Kuchiki, you have been caught in the act of hat-thieving. How do you plead?"

"Well if I must answer…I'm innocent!" She turned to the 'jury'. "He framed me for the crime, but really I was just an innocent bystander in all this!"

They gasped, and immediately began to mutter among themselves.

"Lies! All lies! Rukia, I hereby announce that you are guilty as charged!" Urahara declared, and brought his gavel down towards the desk.

She didn't know what would happen when he hit the desk, and to be honest she didn't really want to find out either. She thought frantically, and finally she came up with an idea. An idea so diabolical, so undeniably evil, that it would make Aizen himself proud. She sprang up.

"CHANGE PLACES!" She yelled.

Again, everyone dropped everything and ran. Urahara left his gavel and ran to get another place, and both Rangiku and Hitsugaya tripped over one another in their haste. The noise finally calmed down, and the dust settled.

Rukia laughed, somewhat madly, from her new position in the judge's seat . "Now _I'm_ the one with the upper hand!"

Urahara gasped dramatically, and looked up at her with wide eyes.

"I declare that I am innocent of all crimes I have been accused of!"

"Damn it! Whatever am I supposed to do now?"

"Use the force!..." An unkown voice whispered mysteriously, coming from Rangiku's direction.

"Ah! Yes of course! The force!"

And thus ensued a scene so strange, that Rukia wasn't even sure if it was real or she had just dreamed it. Insults and tomatoes were flung about the place, Hitsugaya spontaneously combusted and popped back into existence dressed like a magician, and Yachiru was sent flying off into the darkness.

"…Right then. In light of recent events, I declare that Kisuke Urahara, also known as the 'Mad Hatter' shall be henceforth required to speak in rhyme only, and if broken shall be punished by the forcible removal of all hats in his possession!" Rukia said grandly.

Urahara covered his mouth with a squeak. Then he added a creak, just to be sure.

Rukia smiled triumphantly as the scene changed back to the tea table. "Right! As I am now the supreme ruler of this table-"

"Hey! Who said you were the supreme ruler?" Hitsugaya protested.

"I have a wig."

"So? Having a wig doesn't change anything!" Rangiku argued.

Hitsugaya put a hand on her shoulder. "Unfortunately, Rangiku, she's right. The wig knows all."

"Exactly. Now as supreme ruler I declare-"

"Wait! You're too late!" Urahara cried.

"Huh?"

"This doesn't make any sense." He pulled out a large, leather-bound book with the words 'Into Madness' printed on the top. "Where is it…Aha! Chapter 4! You're half a chapter behind schedule. It says here that you're meant to go to the Duchess now, not take over my tea party!"

"Okay firstly, did that rhyme Urahara? Did it rhyme even a _little bit_?"

"Erm…pea hearty?" He said uncertainly.

She rolled her eyes. "You're terrible at this. Anyway, what's that book you've got there?"

He looked alarmed and tried to hide the massive book between his hat and his head. "It's…it's nothing! Um…insert rhyme here…?"

"That's cheating, and if you don't tell me what that is _right now_, I, as supreme ruler of this table, declare that-"

She was interrupted again by a high-pitched girly scream, and she turned to see Hitsugaya pointing into the forest in terror.

"_What is it now?_" She hissed.

She followed Hitsugaya's finger and saw the Red Queen's soldiers approaching.

Before she could react, Rangiku, Hitsugaya and Urahara sprinted off in the opposite direction, yelling at the tops of their voices. She turned back to the three soldiers and laughed nervously.

"Oops."

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**A/N:** Please review! :)


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